Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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