I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
