honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
