im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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