my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I did not marry a roomba.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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