I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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