I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
