there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
