when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
