i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
