I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
