well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
