all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
