Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
