When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
