Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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