I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
