Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
