think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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