i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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