when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
