someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
