eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
