went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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