I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I want to fling myself into the sun
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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