I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
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We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
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So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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