Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close