And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
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I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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