Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
