I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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