I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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