marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
