I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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