Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
