Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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