I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
