Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
