Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
honey bunches of taint.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Let's paint friendship bongs
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
