The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
