I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
