i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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