She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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