Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
