I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
