I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
