***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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