They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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