there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm experimenting with sincerity
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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