I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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