just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
