Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
if i can run in heels then i can drive
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
this just has baby written all over it
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
