yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
