My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
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2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
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If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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