Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
